Letter to my Husband

The recent months of my life have been akin to getting on a roller coaster that you just can’t get off. There is the beginning that is exciting. You board the train in anticipation but by the time you are climbing the vertical you are thinking, why on earth did I get on here?

Then of course it is too late.

You are already on the ride to the end.

There are times in between the beginning and the end that make the ride worthwhile, of course. The parts of the ride when you feel the adrenaline rush that is so powerful that you hope that the ride never ends.

Then, of course like all rides, it does come to an end. You collect your picture from the booth; it serves as memory of how it felt to experience the ride.

But knowing how you felt on the first vertical, would you do it again?

I have just begun to understand the proverb that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. However, when the grass you are living with is so full of weeds that cannot be controlled and the lawn is so overgrown that you can no longer see how it used to be then it is time to admire the grass on the other side whether it is greener or not. I know that if I took the time I could probably treat my grass well, tend to it daily to bring it back to its former glory, but that would presume that I think that it is worth all that time and effort. And quite honestly, I don’t.

Over a relatively short period of time my life has changed. My choice I know, and I have no regrets. No regrets apart from a feeling of guilt that through changing my life I have also altered/touched/changed other people’s lives too, some of which I had no right to.

Well this should be my final letter to you, dear husband.

Tonight we finally agreed that a divorce is the only way forward for both of us. No tears, no anger just pure defeat on both parts. Why bother messing around with a separation when all we are doing is delaying the inevitable?

I thank you for the letter that you had written to me today. It meant a lot to me, although I wouldn’t actually say that to you. Probably the most romantic gesture you have done for me in the years that we have been together. Such a shame it was months too late.

When all this is over, and I won’t pretend we won’t have a few tortuous months ahead, I hope that we can remain friends. I care about you; not the love that we once shared but care enough to want you to be very happy and still be a part of you life.

So that is it. My marriage is over. I feel so many emotions right now. Sadness of course, relief definitely but most of all guilty.

Finally I feel guilty.

On my drive home tonight I was willing for you to be in bed asleep. I am far too weary to have any kind of conversation with you right now. Serious or mundane.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Someone is obviously on my side as you are snoring soundly. However, in my absence you seem to have found your way back into my (our marital) bed. When did that happen? Did you expect me to have missed you so much that I would just disregard all that has been said and join you?

Our conversation on Sunday night went as well as I could have hoped. It was awful, hurtful and truly upsetting. As I said, it went as well as I could have hoped. I know that when I said goodbye to you on Monday morning that I probably left you confused. I can understand that me saying a tearful goodbye and telling you that I am sorry could be misinterpreted as something other than what I actually meant. I am sorry, and I was just overwhelmed I suppose, that I really was saying goodbye, to you, to us. Obviously not a physical goodbye as we still have to live here together, but an emotional goodbye as I knew at that point that there really was no going back.

You have tried to contact me over the past few days, forgive me for not replying to your messages; I just couldn’t think what else I needed to say to you. I still don’t.

So for tonight I won’t write anything else to you.

I talk. You don’t listen.

You talk. I don’t listen.

Why are we making this any more painful than it need to be?

We have nothing to say to each other anymore. Well nothing apart from the mundane onslaught of pleasantries. We are going through the motions of pretence. Do you really think that we will make our next anniversary? I am sure you know the answer to that. I definitely know it. And the answer is no, just in case you actually read this.I have tried to talk to you since I met with my lawyer on Friday, have tried to tell you our legal way forward. Have tried to tell you how we can end our marriage in a dignified manner. Have you heard me? If so why are you are still trying to talk to me like nothing has changed?

Dear Husband, I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have, yet I know that if I don’t soon sit you down and tell you again, that we are over; that it was you that suggested a separation, we will carry on like this for another six months, maybe more. And what a waste that would be. We need to enjoy living for ourselves. No one should live through or for someone else. We can do this!! We have to. I don’t want to live to regret, cliché I know; however it fits right now.

I need to get some strength from somewhere to enable me to have this conversation with you. Every time I have looked at you this weekend I can see it in your eyes. I can see that you don’t want a serious conversation with me. I have known you for far too long not to be able to recognise the pleading look that is asking me not to say it. I really don’t want to see your sadness anymore. But, Husband I have to tell you, again. One of us has to say it. There is no going back now. This has been going on for far too long – and far too often for us to ignore it any longer.

I need to talk to you tonight. Given that I am away for the next 3 nights and won’t see you again until Thursday, is that too cruel? Maybe that is for the best though?

I hope I am doing what is right; both for you and I.

Don’t mean to merciless, but surely staying with you is more so?

Do you know me better than I know myself?

Unless I have not been up all night, thinking about the question, it wasn’t worth asking.

You know it. I know it. We are still in our separate beds.

So it is still No.

Have had my lovers.

Have had a few

There is no-one special. No-one more special than you

You can promise me everything; I’m sure you can

But do I need it? My day is tomorrow

Maybe I will come home begging for your forgiveness; maybe I won't

It will happen with or without you;Regardless I will be home again

And unless you are stronger,

You will always be a my Husband

We are at the pinnacle of where we go, I think.

It goes down from here.

You always said that my cup was hardly ever full; have I always been so unhappy? So sad? Surely, I was happy once. You should take some blame for how I feel. I know you tried. You bought me originals, gems I have put away, the best in wine, theatre, cruises, holidays; you tried everything. But I don’t need nor want your money.

But it is you.

My love, my lover, my other friend. It is you.

I would love to introduce the two but know I can’t.

On the one hand I have a best friend; I wish I hadn’t lied to him. He is everything a good girl would want.

On the other hand i have my lover; I wish I hadn’t lied to him. He is everything a naughty girl would want.

I know, I know!

Are they one and the same? Could I combine the two?

So my dilemma; a letter to my husband, a letter to my lover or both?

Still don’t know………………. yet

I’m sorry that you expected me home at 8. I intentionally came home much later in the hope that you would have already gone to bed: you hadn’t.

I didn’t want to face you tonight. Not after this morning. Didn’t want to skirt around our ‘situation’ anymore.

Yet I did. And we did. Maybe that is why we have a ‘situation’? Only when pushed will either of us have difficult conversations. Only when pushed will we face up to the fact that our marriage is well, what is the most pleasant way of saying this? Over? Yes over. That’s a much better word than fucked.

We have made light conversation for the past hour.

You talked about your new golf club; your day at work; what was in the news; and even the weather forecast for the weekend.

Me – well I’m not sure how you kept me engaged, but I listened and occasionally asked a question to show my usual (dis)interest.

At last you have gone to bed and now I can reflect on our ‘situation’.

Goodnight.

You surprised me this morning, when at 7am you came into my bedroom and asked, “did you have a good day yesterday, darling?”

At first I thought I was dreaming, but you continued by asking if I had slept well. I slowly came out of my slumber to find you sat on the edge of my bed, obviously wanting a conversation. By now my mind was working overtime; shall I pretend to be asleep? Shall I tell you to fuck off out of my bedroom? But no, I decided if a conversation was what you wanted then a conversation you shall have.

“Had a good day, thank you.” (What on earth was I doing?) “What about you, how was your day?” and then the dialogue continued freely, just as if the past week had been a dream.

“Going to work now, princess” you said, “see you tonight”. And then you were gone, leaving me absolutely dumbfounded!

I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to discuss our impending separation. I’m sure I have told you about this. Are you playing games with me?

We have slept separately for the past week; I no longer wear my wedding ring; I have avoided being in the house at the same time as you and yet the conversation this morning was so natural, just like we used to have.

I know that I have made life hard for you these past few months and for that reason I cannot forgive myself. I don’t want you to call me darling or princess or any other term of endearment. I don’t want you to forgive me either.

I understand that you think that life could get back to ‘normal’ again. That we can return to our quiet, rural life. Having fun, enjoying our far-away holidays, planning our future together.

I am not so sure. I cannot assure you that what I have done I will not do again.

I have always said that you are my best friend, but do I want a best friend for a husband? Is that really enough?

I guess I will wait until tonight.