Letter to my Husband

Dear Husband #15

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 02:09:52 +0100

The decree nisi is upon us; Wednesday 10am this week.

We have been told that there is no need to attend court, as there is no dispute; who lied to the judge?

We are in the midst of playing one requirement against another. Why?

Every piece of advice I have asked for I have ignored in your favour. I know that I could ask for a lot more than we have settled on.

You want me to sign away the deeds with a shallow compromise; should I? You have promised to honour our agreement.

I could decline signing the ‘clean break’ agreement;

I could stay in the house;

I could be a complete c**t!

But wouldn’t, won’t. I want and need to move on.

I trust you

We both have nothing else to lose

Comments

Not Fair

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:31:19 +0200

Yes, knew it immediately before i even woke up, The Streets, Dry your eyes mate

You know that tune burns in me.

Why did you put it on this morning before you left for work?

Comments

Dear Husband (#14)

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 10:38:17 +0200

The postman has just been. I have just received a letter from you, which included a typed note, plus 4 envelopes. Your typed note says:

Mystery Trail,

So well done you for agreeing to play along.

You will find a series of envelopes marked with numbers. It’s important that you open them in sequence and only when instructed,

The trail will not take you too far, however; you will be outside in the most part so I suggest you dress appropriately.

Okay to kick off, gather up the envelopes drop them into your rucksack and head for Chippenham train station. You should be looking to catch the 3.10pm train to Bath. (You can go a little earlier; but try to hold off as best you can!) I suggest you park on the road near the entrance of WRSL as opposed to the train station car park – trust me. Just to re-assure you though, this does not involve staying away overnight.

Only upon arrival at Bath Spa may you open envelope number 1.

I would really welcome updates by means of text messaging along the way.

How bizarre is this? I feel strangely excited. In the 8 years I have known you, in the 4 years of marriage you have never done anything like this before.

Should I play along?

Comments

Dear Husband (#13)

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 22:30:42 +0200

I received the following text from you this morning:

“I hope that you do not have any plans for tomorrow afternoon. I have a mystery trail for you to follow. All instructions will be with you in the morning. Don’t worry it does not entail you going far. Are you up for it?”

I was so intrigued I replied “ok.”

I have my fingers crossed that I will find a cheque at the end of the trail.

Comments

Dear Husband (#12)

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:14:16 +0200

I have only just calmed down enough to write this to you.

I returned home on Sunday afternoon to a different person than the one I had loved and married. I returned to a person that I actually didn’t know existed.

You were so provocative in your focused aggression I had to lock myself in the bathroom in the fear that we would do something that we would both live to regret.

I have never ever known you so angry. So utterly, utterly, disturbingly angry. You followed me around the house as I tried to seek some solace; you wanted an argument yet I was far too happy – luckily – to be sucked in. Things could have been so different.

I never lied to you about where I was going this weekend. Maybe I wasn’t explicit in who, where and why I was going but I didn’t think I needed to be; after all we are in the midst of our divorce.

That isn’t the worst of it though, is it?

In my absence you have drawn some stupid conclusions. You have been snooping amongst my private things – something that we both silently agreed we would never do.

The worst part of all this is is that in your naivety, and in your quest to find out what I am doing – without asking me (I would have told you if you had asked) you have managed to upset some of my friends. For that I cannot forgive you.

I received an email yesterday from a friend – M – a bloke I have known since I was 15 years old, that is almost 2 decades of friendship!! He innocently said that he thought it was nice that my husband had been in touch. Can you imagine the alarm bells that set off in my head? And what ensued was a whole can of worms I really wish hadn’t been opened.

I know that you think our whole divorce is based on me having an affair with a bloke with the initial M - it isn’t!! And if it were, it really wouldn’t be my friend of 20 years.

I wouldn’t mind so much – but if you had sat and thought about it before you sent the email you may have just realised that you attended M’s wedding with me about 7 years ago – we sat at the top table – me being his best friend after all

Of course, as you know, M and I lost touch since then. It must be 5 years since we last spoke if not more. We had our life and he had his.

He now has 2 children and is also in the process of separation. He found my contact details on line and got in touch again a few weeks ago. We have chatted a lot and exchanged emails since then, but it is and was always a good platonic friendship.

I can understand your need to find and blame someone else for our failed marriage. But Husband there is no-one else to blame. There is only us – you and I! We are the ones to blame.

We have failed.

We are our own worst enemies at times. We seek bad things and we get them in abundance. You obviously simmered all weekend and I got you when you started to boil on Sunday afternoon.

And now?

Well I said it all last night. I need you to make me an equitable financial offer as soon as possible. I need to move out of this house; out of our home; I need to move on and let you do the same.

We have agreed on a fair market price of the house and also the equity that we have. All we need to do now is agree the cost of all our fixtures, fittings and furniture.

Please let us agree quickly.

Good night.

Comments

Dear Husband (#11)

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 22:42:45 +0200

Well, I signed and posted the divorce documents today.

I only hope that we have done the right thing.

Comments

Dear Husband (#10)

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:54:21 +0200

The petty argument has long since been forgotten.

It has been replaced with a sense of sadness. The house feels cold; it’s no longer a home anymore; well not for me.

I need the next few months to pass quickly. I need the divorce to be settled, the house sold, and I need to move on.

Let’s hope that we can continue to live amiably together until that happens.

Comments

Dear Husband (#9)

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:59:57 +0200

Received the Notice of Proceedings from the County Court when I got home this morning.

It is written there, officially in black and white. I have 7 days to respond and then that’s it.

I will be divorced before Christmas.

Don’t know how I feel or how I should feel.

Don’t know what I will say to you when you come home this evening.

Comments

Freedom is Fun

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 23:57:53 +0200

Fun is re-visiting me at last!

I have just remembered what fun is.

Laughing with friends that I haven’t seen in ages, at jokes that we only had in common
Going out for dinner at the drop of a hat – no more forward planning required
Being invited to a well attended party and being chatted up by the best looking guy there – and obviously denying his advances

I have got my life back.

I know I sound insular but don’t care!

Life is all good

Comments

Dear Husband (#8)

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:36:15 +0200

I got the papers that you left for my information.

Thank you. At last we are at the start of our formal end.

Comments

The Ride of my Life

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:03:43 +0200

The recent months of my life have been akin to getting on a roller coaster that you just can’t get off. There is the beginning that is exciting. You board the train in anticipation but by the time you are climbing the vertical you are thinking, why on earth did I get on here?

Then of course it is too late.

You are already on the ride to the end.

There are times in between the beginning and the end that make the ride worthwhile, of course. The parts of the ride when you feel the adrenaline rush that is so powerful that you hope that the ride never ends.

Then, of course like all rides, it does come to an end. You collect your picture from the booth; it serves as memory of how it felt to experience the ride.

But knowing how you felt on the first vertical, would you do it again?

Comments

Life after marriage

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:00:45 +0200

I have just begun to understand the proverb that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. However, when the grass you are living with is so full of weeds that cannot be controlled and the lawn is so overgrown that you can no longer see how it used to be then it is time to admire the grass on the other side whether it is greener or not. I know that if I took the time I could probably treat my grass well, tend to it daily to bring it back to its former glory, but that would presume that I think that it is worth all that time and effort. And quite honestly, I don’t.

Over a relatively short period of time my life has changed. My choice I know, and I have no regrets. No regrets apart from a feeling of guilt that through changing my life I have also altered/touched/changed other people’s lives too, some of which I had no right to.

Comments

Dear Husband (#7)

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 21:36:58 +0200

Well this should be my final letter to you, dear husband.

Tonight we finally agreed that a divorce is the only way forward for both of us. No tears, no anger just pure defeat on both parts. Why bother messing around with a separation when all we are doing is delaying the inevitable?

I thank you for the letter that you had written to me today. It meant a lot to me, although I wouldn’t actually say that to you. Probably the most romantic gesture you have done for me in the years that we have been together. Such a shame it was months too late.

When all this is over, and I won’t pretend we won’t have a few tortuous months ahead, I hope that we can remain friends. I care about you; not the love that we once shared but care enough to want you to be very happy and still be a part of you life.

So that is it. My marriage is over. I feel so many emotions right now. Sadness of course, relief definitely but most of all guilty.

Finally I feel guilty.

Comments

Dear Husband (#6)

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 01:15:20 +0200

On my drive home tonight I was willing for you to be in bed asleep. I am far too weary to have any kind of conversation with you right now. Serious or mundane.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Someone is obviously on my side as you are snoring soundly. However, in my absence you seem to have found your way back into my (our marital) bed. When did that happen? Did you expect me to have missed you so much that I would just disregard all that has been said and join you?

Our conversation on Sunday night went as well as I could have hoped. It was awful, hurtful and truly upsetting. As I said, it went as well as I could have hoped. I know that when I said goodbye to you on Monday morning that I probably left you confused. I can understand that me saying a tearful goodbye and telling you that I am sorry could be misinterpreted as something other than what I actually meant. I am sorry, and I was just overwhelmed I suppose, that I really was saying goodbye, to you, to us. Obviously not a physical goodbye as we still have to live here together, but an emotional goodbye as I knew at that point that there really was no going back.

You have tried to contact me over the past few days, forgive me for not replying to your messages; I just couldn’t think what else I needed to say to you. I still don’t.

So for tonight I won’t write anything else to you.

Comments

Dear Husband (#5)

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 16:24:01 +0200

I talk. You don’t listen.

You talk. I don’t listen.

Why are we making this any more painful than it need to be?

We have nothing to say to each other anymore. Well nothing apart from the mundane onslaught of pleasantries. We are going through the motions of pretence. Do you really think that we will make our next anniversary? I am sure you know the answer to that. I definitely know it. And the answer is no, just in case you actually read this.I have tried to talk to you since I met with my lawyer on Friday, have tried to tell you our legal way forward. Have tried to tell you how we can end our marriage in a dignified manner. Have you heard me? If so why are you are still trying to talk to me like nothing has changed?

Dear Husband, I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have, yet I know that if I don’t soon sit you down and tell you again, that we are over; that it was you that suggested a separation, we will carry on like this for another six months, maybe more. And what a waste that would be. We need to enjoy living for ourselves. No one should live through or for someone else. We can do this!! We have to. I don’t want to live to regret, cliché I know; however it fits right now.

I need to get some strength from somewhere to enable me to have this conversation with you. Every time I have looked at you this weekend I can see it in your eyes. I can see that you don’t want a serious conversation with me. I have known you for far too long not to be able to recognise the pleading look that is asking me not to say it. I really don’t want to see your sadness anymore. But, Husband I have to tell you, again. One of us has to say it. There is no going back now. This has been going on for far too long – and far too often for us to ignore it any longer.

I need to talk to you tonight. Given that I am away for the next 3 nights and won’t see you again until Thursday, is that too cruel? Maybe that is for the best though?

I hope I am doing what is right; both for you and I.

Don’t mean to merciless, but surely staying with you is more so?

Comments

Dear Husband (#4)

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 03:32:46 +0200

Do you know me better than I know myself?

Unless I have not been up all night, thinking about the question, it wasn’t worth asking.

You know it. I know it. We are still in our separate beds.

So it is still No.

Have had my lovers.

Have had a few

There is no-one special. No-one more special than you

You can promise me everything; I’m sure you can

But do I need it? My day is tomorrow

Maybe I will come home begging for your forgiveness; maybe I won't

It will happen with or without you;Regardless I will be home again

And unless you are stronger,

You will always be a my Husband

Comments

Dear Husband (#3) or Lover

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 02:11:33 +0200

We are at the pinnacle of where we go, I think.

It goes down from here.

You always said that my cup was hardly ever full; have I always been so unhappy? So sad? Surely, I was happy once. You should take some blame for how I feel. I know you tried. You bought me originals, gems I have put away, the best in wine, theatre, cruises, holidays; you tried everything. But I don’t need nor want your money.

But it is you.

My love, my lover, my other friend. It is you.

I would love to introduce the two but know I can’t.

On the one hand I have a best friend; I wish I hadn’t lied to him. He is everything a good girl would want.

On the other hand i have my lover; I wish I hadn’t lied to him. He is everything a naughty girl would want.

I know, I know!

Are they one and the same? Could I combine the two?

So my dilemma; a letter to my husband, a letter to my lover or both?

Still don’t know………………. yet

Comments

Dear Husband (#2)

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 23:50:04 +0200

I’m sorry that you expected me home at 8. I intentionally came home much later in the hope that you would have already gone to bed: you hadn’t.

I didn’t want to face you tonight. Not after this morning. Didn’t want to skirt around our ‘situation’ anymore.

Yet I did. And we did. Maybe that is why we have a ‘situation’? Only when pushed will either of us have difficult conversations. Only when pushed will we face up to the fact that our marriage is well, what is the most pleasant way of saying this? Over? Yes over. That’s a much better word than fucked.

We have made light conversation for the past hour.

You talked about your new golf club; your day at work; what was in the news; and even the weather forecast for the weekend.

Me – well I’m not sure how you kept me engaged, but I listened and occasionally asked a question to show my usual (dis)interest.

At last you have gone to bed and now I can reflect on our ‘situation’.

Goodnight.

Comments

Dear Husband

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 12:18:10 +0200

You surprised me this morning, when at 7am you came into my bedroom and asked, “did you have a good day yesterday, darling?”

At first I thought I was dreaming, but you continued by asking if I had slept well. I slowly came out of my slumber to find you sat on the edge of my bed, obviously wanting a conversation. By now my mind was working overtime; shall I pretend to be asleep? Shall I tell you to fuck off out of my bedroom? But no, I decided if a conversation was what you wanted then a conversation you shall have.

“Had a good day, thank you.” (What on earth was I doing?) “What about you, how was your day?” and then the dialogue continued freely, just as if the past week had been a dream.

“Going to work now, princess” you said, “see you tonight”. And then you were gone, leaving me absolutely dumbfounded!

I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to discuss our impending separation. I’m sure I have told you about this. Are you playing games with me?

We have slept separately for the past week; I no longer wear my wedding ring; I have avoided being in the house at the same time as you and yet the conversation this morning was so natural, just like we used to have.

I know that I have made life hard for you these past few months and for that reason I cannot forgive myself. I don’t want you to call me darling or princess or any other term of endearment. I don’t want you to forgive me either.

I understand that you think that life could get back to ‘normal’ again. That we can return to our quiet, rural life. Having fun, enjoying our far-away holidays, planning our future together.

I am not so sure. I cannot assure you that what I have done I will not do again.

I have always said that you are my best friend, but do I want a best friend for a husband? Is that really enough?

I guess I will wait until tonight.

Comments